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Disclaimer

Examine the expectations and inferences underlying selected job positions. Consider timely topics in career preparation and the struggle for fulfilling employment. Analyze what could be improved in either situation. If this blog reminds you too much of work, then peruse my namesake blog for lighter fare.

Fuck UWM and all universities! UW-Milwaukee and their brethren are mediocre. Click banner ads on ClixSense instead; it's a better use of time than a college education in the UW System.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

“Taleo Universal” Applicant Tracking System is Unqualified to Assist Job Applicants

While applying at a corporate job board yesterday, the website redirected from its namesake corporate domain to the dreaded TALent Exchange Online (TALEO) applicant tracking system (ATS). However, this page offered a new option for 2013: the “Taleo Universal” job applicant data repository.

I was initially intrigued that one of the Big Three ATS providers (the others being “Brass Ring” and “Kenexa”) would finally issue an app which permits central importation of data into all the subdomains of that ATS. After all, the prevention of mass resume blasts was one of the reasons why different firms licensed applicant dropboxes (databases consisting of user-created records) at different subdomains within the same ATS provider rather than host their repositories within a single, collective database.

What motive did Taleo have in making it easier for applicants to distribute their data to its client companies? One would presume additional profit, although there is no charge to use Taleo Universal; perhaps the aggregate characteristics of applicants are disclosed to marketing partners, although the end-user license agreement (EULA) explicitly states the personally identifying information of applicants will not be shared with anyone outside the human resources (HR) department at the organization(s) applied to.

Could a potential motive have been mercy towards those applicants who spend hours re-typing or re-pasting information into the same ATS form at different companies? If so, then the program’s implementation would never imply this!

Taleo Universal is an abominable abortion of an application -- read on to learn why. The program’s execution obscures any magnanimous intent so as to effectively mock the applicant as he or she ends up correcting mistakes caused by an extremely error-prone upload resume function. One is better off manually typing or pasting into each data field because at least you see everything as it happens rather than have to check for data transposed during the upload.

The job vacancy website of the company to which I was applying redirected me this log-in page:

That is a screen capture of when I logged back in after an unfortunate ejection -- more on the reason for that as we read on. I should note that if you enter "mmm.taleo.net" into your browser, then it redirects to the error page here. Clicking “sign up” takes you to the namesake screen:

When you pass the sign-up page, you will be directed to either:

  1. A "prop" creation screen if you signed in at the main TalentExchange.com page; or
  2. The “resume upload” screen if you signed up at a third party’s redirection page (omitting the “prop” page).

Because I found this page only after attempting (and finally swearing off) the rest of the data population process, I chose a deprecating term which aptly describes the "Taleo Universal" application. There is only one "prop," or searchable hashtag of up to 32 characters, allowed per user to describe the (theoretically only) position sought.

You progress to the “resume upload” page after passing the “prop” screen. If you are redirected past the page without creating your tag and later want to create a “prop” hashtag (however unlikely after reading this review), then sign in here. Conversely, if you are stuck on the “prop” page and want to skip creating a hashtag, then click here.

The “resume upload” screen follows and is where Taleo Universal really falls apart. Whether you upload your resume like I initially did or paste your entire resume into the text area like I did the second try, the data will be scrambled into a nonsensical order (at least in the eyes of the human reader). Also, notice the Gumby knockoff hoisting that barbell -- the weight is probably inflatable.

The message atop the next screen is a flat-out lie: you’re not “almost done” because either Taleo Universal scrambled your data upon form population or you’ve skipped the resume upload and are manually entering your myriad data. Whereas the prior screens took perhaps three minutes tops if you’re not making screen captures, this data review screen will take the average applicant at least fifteen minutes.

A few minutes passed as I marveled at the jumbled data and made screen captures of the mess. I then left the swapped data in the fields (all mandatory, of course) so that I could save the session to have enough time to correct the data.

So what you do you think my resume looked like before upload? Below are screen captures of my data before importation:

The data being shuffled among random fields like a roulette wheel wasn’t bad enough; the race against the clock to fix the data before my session timed out brought my attention to another SUBSTANTIAL problem! Notice the lack of a normal “save” button which lets you remain on the page; the only button is “save and continue,” which is VERY problematic because it immediately submits your data to the third-party dropbox (of the organization to which you are applying)! The courteous ATS provides such a button or at least a lengthy time (twenty minutes) to expiration because session timeouts are common when using secured data entry forms.

Taleo Universal rudely provides neither by having only a de facto submit button and a session timeout period of no longer than ten minutes. This forces a situation of three choices:
  1. Type like a secretary on speed, rapidly tabbing between your word processing document resume and the applicant form to verify at a glance the snippets you enter match those on your resume, occasionally copying and pasting into lengthier data fields such as those asking for job accomplishments;
  2. Take your time to double-check for completeness, accuracy, and absence of typos, thereby guaranteeing a session timeout; or
  3. Treat yourself with dignity by doing yourself the favor of skipping this crummy excuse of an ATS and telling your acquaintances why they should avoid Taleo Universal.

After the above experiences, I chose Option Three.

I do have a few additional screens for informational purposes: the screen below is the Taleo Universal home page. It goes by “Talent Exchange” here and by “Universal Profile” on some third-party websites which redirect to this domain, but they’re all Taleo Universal, much like each country has multiple names (“Old Scratch,” “Krampus,” etc.) for its concept of a devil.

Did you notice how all the people waiting in line inside that home page graphic are identical, even with the same haircut and dark cyan hue? All except for the green guy -- in the first panel of the graphic on the "promote yourself" page, he looks like a disingenuous @$$#ole politically sanitized stooge, just like the hacks misguided developers who programmed that horrible, horrible "Taleo Universal" program!

You are better served by an ATS which has a "populate profile with LinkedIn" function, which works ten times better and debuted almost a year prior to Taleo Universal. I could write another blog post about how flawlessly LinkedIn ports your information to those Applicant Tracking Systems which allow it, but "flawless" is all that needs to be said. Compare the "import LinkedIn profile data" function to a different algorithm of directly uploading or parsing a text area of pasted resume, and most readers will agree.

At this rate, Taleo Universal will become notorious for being less wanted than an unqualified job applicant. Much like the aforementioned job seeker, Taleo Universal sends an email begging for validation:

I have not and will not click! The only way Taleo Universal could be worse is by including an overlay menu to mess up the tab order, or the sequence in which focus is passed among elements on a web page when the visitor presses the “tab” key. That sequence is usually the order in which elements are output onto the web page. I always test tab order when reviewing an ATS because it is critical for individuals who either find themselves without a mouse or otherwise have limited arm mobility and hence utilize a keyboard almost exclusively.

Web developers sometimes change x-y coordinates and layer order via directional and “z-index” style sheet modifications. It is important they also change the “tab-index” property to reflect this updated position so that users are not subjected to warping a screen or two away from the next logical tab destination. Therefore, the addition of such a broken tab order would expedite Taleo Universal’s descent to the all-time bottom of ATS programs.

Beyond its Universal program, Taleo could further stick it to job applicants by partnering with McAfee Antivirus! Such an unholy alliance could function like this: McAfee surreptitiously installs into the user’s browser as part of the Taleo user agreement such that refusal to install McAfee constitutes refusal to scan uploaded documents or manually entered data, thereby disqualifying the applicant who refuses such installation as part of the EULA. Taleo-McAfee would be a truly treacherous, terrible twosome!

Saturday, January 5, 2013

ATS Blocks Cover Letter for "Web Content Writer"

I assembled a targeted resume and wrote a compelling cover letter in response to a vacancy for "web content writer" advertised on LinkedIn Jobs. I sailed through the applicant tracking system (ATS) until the final question, "Do you live within commute distance of Cambridge, MA? (Long-distance candidates / relocations will not be considered.)"

Neither the location nor that residency requirement was mentioned in the vacancy description, and hence I would not have bothered if such foreknowledge were had. The question therefore produced two options:

  1. Lie to pass the ATS, and then have to explain to the phone screener why I live in the Midwest and not in Massachusetts; or
  2. Admit living outside commute distance and risk immediate discard by the ATS.

I chose the latter and was notified of the rejection the next day. However, I am not one to let a good cover letter go to waste; here it is for the world to inspect!

January 2, 2013

Dear [NAME from LinkedIn]:

[BRAND] and I have a LOT in common! We are:

  1. Best in their class;
  2. Desirably hip; and
  3. Criminally overlooked!

As web content writer, I shall educate the ignorant plebeians as to why [BRAND] products are the best anyone can buy, irrespective of their station in life. My fit for the position rests upon my proven knack for catchy copy and unique key phrases. I also incorporate accessibility-oriented design, technical coding acumen, and comprehensive gathering of client needs prior to commencing a new project.

I developed strong foundations in SEO and content management while managing the University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee Bookstore website, responsible for processing $2.4 million annual revenue. I increased revenue by more than $24K through a combination of email marketing and greater use of statistically rare terms in titles, headings, image captions, and inbound link tags. This approach combined standardized tags for ease of search while using unique terms for more detailed queries.

I have since founded my own ecommerce business, BuyMyStats.com, and raised over 80,000 home page views from ground zero while sweeping the first SERP for namesake searches. This feat is quite impressive for a business which had no name recognition (due to not existing) and never sends unsolicited emails.

I also maintain a Zazzle store featuring my own tee shirt designs. Each product page is optimized with SEO-boosting tags to dominate the first SERP for relevant search results. But what does this mean for you? It means I have a turnkey slogan for you! Are your ready?!?

“Don’t be dull -- get [BRAND]!”

You’re welcome, you’re welcome!

Cheers,

Joseph Ohler, Jr.

Enclosure: Résumé

Joseph Ohler's Affiliate Click-for-Cash Program

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Inspirational College Admissions Application Essay (for the Returning Graduate)

Dear Admissions Board:

In this letter, you will learn why I’m a fantastic fit for [UNIVERSITY NAME]. Although this is a written document and not a speech, I’ll be sure to repeat this main idea because I read such a simplistic structure is what rocks your socks and niggles your knickers.

You may have noticed my prior degrees from Palooka University. Can you imagine the discouragement of applying to jobs in your field of study, never getting an interview, and then acquiescing to applying at unskilled labor jobs, only to find the HR managers do not acquiesce to an interview? Where is the reciprocity of rewards for “bettering oneself” at college? Thus, if employers see me as a professional student, then damn it, perpetual campus life I shall live!

Yes, I am a college graduate returning to college -- not to gain additional “knowledge and experience” which employers value about as much as a dirty rag, but to live as a professional student! After all, I’ve only used up half of my federally insured $120,000 student loan cap; why not leech -- I mean "live" -- off subsidized debt for as long as possible? I do recall being taught explicitly in my philosophy class that morality and ethics are relative -- and there’s no law (yet) against being a lifelong student debt borrower.

You may ask, “What is the utility of repeating the university experience?” Imagine the possibilities: making another run for student president; telling students why their studies are futile; even a chance at non-competitive employment by way of students-only jobs! At last, the dignity of employment!

So why am I checking out [UNIVERSITY NAME] rather than Palooka University again? I’m seeking to enroll in your lackadaisical university because it’s close enough to where my parents live, and hence I may conserve rent money while minimizing distractions from studies. I suppose you won’t like that, however, because this means I’ll drive to and from campus -- thereby producing greenhouse emissions! Oh well, I can buy a carbon credit when I land that first professional job!

In this letter, you have learned why I’m a fantastic fit for [UNIVERSITY NAME]. Although your campus is near, I can always take long-distance courses if not admitted -- online universities are gaining currency and might just someday put you out of business -- or out of state tax dollars.

I hope you won’t hold it against me for being savagely honest, as a renowned poet once wrote, “Truth is not always beautiful.” Either way, don’t fret -- you’ll get some other chump’s tuition money if you don’t get mine.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

New Year's Job Application Party!

Here's a novel concept for your New Year's bash: host a job application-themed party! When each guest arrives, conduct a mock interview of why they would be a "good fit" for your celebration!

For those arrivals not on your guest list, hand them a blank job application and tell them to come back after they fill it out. If you're a web developer, then you might even code your own online Applicant Tracking System mock-up consisting, at the very least, of a web-to-lead form mimicking those hellaciously long job applications which are in vogue. (I'm still resting from tweaking the BuyMyStats.com order form and sending out another batch of targeted resumes and cover letters, so my "party applicant" ATS will be a while from now.)

Do you have any funny stories about screening your celebration guest list? Share them in the comments section! Cheers, and Happy New Year!

BONUS: Download a copy of my Party Application template or the non-template copy, if the template version is giving you trouble.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Year-End Question

Q: Will you post an update sometime soon?!?

A: Yes -- 2013 will feature a thematic change, although exactly to what will remain a secret until its unveiling. Until then, here's to happy holidays and to the best opportunities in 2013.

Monday, October 8, 2012

New Program to Shake the Exercise Industry: "Cool E Fitness"

During my rounds of networking on LinkedIn, I met a fellow entrepreneur named Tim Cooley. He sought my advice on how to maintain his lead in the "Social Springboard" contest sponsored by Grow America and myriad organizational partners. I advised Tim that once he exhausts immediate contacts, his best strategy is to rely upon the massive power of the blogosphere to advertise his project. Is this post an advertisement?

No, it is an endorsement based on my rational examination of the merits of Tim's project dubbed "Cool E Fitness." The following is my summary of how the program works: it creates a point-based rewards system in which participants are credited towards the purchase of a variety of products at assorted price points. The more one exercises, the more valuable the prize one may claim with redeemed points. The tangible rewards are an extrinsic positive reinforcer to offset the intrinsic negative reinforcer of discomfort experienced during and after exercise.

And if that wasn't enough, then let it be known the expansion of this program will create (not-so-absurd) jobs to fuel our economy. Personal trainers, redemption center merchandise shippers, and customer service reps are the most common jobs to be created by this initiative. By my calculations, an expansion into all 50 states will create an additional 12,000 jobs. Winning the "Social Springboard" competition provides the startup funds necessary to hire workers and to purchase licenses to fulfill merchandise and co-promotion contracts.

Please vote for Tim's idea, Cool E Fitness, by noon October 12, 2012. Make history with the inauguration of this innovative fitness rebate program!

Monday, April 30, 2012

"Absurd Job Vacancies" Blog and Domain Names for Sale!

I have created a positive reputation for the "Absurd Job Vacancies" brand but am looking to sell. Because this is not an urgent sale by any means, I will not sell the blog name for lower than $500 without the intellectual property of the blog contents or $1,000 including the intellectual property of the blog contents. What I have written thus far is laden with unique keywords and hence carries value in its own right.

I am also selling the following domain names for the following STARTING prices:
absurdjobvacancies.com $500
absurdjobvacancies.net   $400
absurdjobvacancies.biz   $300
absurdjobvacancies.us    $300
absurdjobvacancies.info  $250

Interested parties may bid in the comments section, making sure to enter their own legitimate email address. I will then send a PayPal invoice to the highest bidders meeting or exceeding the aforementioned minimum price(s) for the domain name(s) they wish to buy. Domain registration will be transferred upon clearance and validation of PayPal funds (to ensure there will be no charge backs).