What HR Managers Really Want to Say

When you get a first-round interview but not a second, you know that apparent qualifications brought you to the dance. But when your partner -- the hiring manager (or group of HR personnel) -- says, "I'll call you," it stops the positive momentum and mounting synergy. They hear you call; they leave you cold.

The worst part is that phone screeners and hiring managers will refuse to give constructive feedback, let alone anything negative but actionable. The following is a list of things that might be on the tip of an authority's tongue but won't roll off until the legalistic culture is rolled back. I have summarized these ideas in a series of "unlike you" statements:

"Unlike you, he has a promising career ahead."

"Unlike you, she has a future in our industry."

"Unlike you, unacculturated immigrants are welcome in this organization."

"Unlike you, our people are first-class citizens."

"Unlike you, trash bags actually have a use in our business."

Bonus insult that almost fits the "unlike you" syntax:

"Unlike your job prospects, what's on HBO tonight is something I care about."

Now some people are just wicked for evil's sake, but I believe most apathetic human resources managers distance themselves emotionally from unsuccessful candidates and try to forget about also-ran interviewees because it would cut them too deeply to know the full consequences for the non-hired applicants. Some of my rants on this AJV blog really infuriate hiring managers for this very reason: It drags them, kicking and screaming, to the forefront of the existential train wreck to which they contributed.

And what if they eventually enjoy it? Upon realizing their satisfaction in causing human suffering, the self-aware hiring manager may realize he or she is truly evil. This precisely reflects Romans 3:10, " As it is written, there is none righteous -- no, not one."

The above "unlike you" insults are commonly thought by those in a position of judgment -- that's for certain! This would explain why a non-selected interviewee typically is not granted even an initial interview when applying for subsequent positions at the rejecting company. The "unlike you effect" of pass/fail as a worthy person has been set in stone for all eternity, at least according to organizational records.

But you know the old axiom, "Being worthless isn't so bad!" And really, you *do* have worth when you won't "shut up" despite haters wanting you to -- you have negative worth, but impact nevertheless. This also has a biblical allusion per Revelation 3:16, "So then because you are lukewarm -- and neither cold nor hot -- I will spew you out of my mouth." Take heart in the notion that you're a cool m***f*****r (mothflipper) exactly because so many people find you unpalatable! Live it as a philosophy, a credo for the misbegotten.

Do You Feel Unloved?

"Absurd Job Vacancies" Blog and Domain Names for Sale!

I have created a positive reputation for the "Absurd Job Vacancies" brand but am looking to sell. Because this is not an urgent sale by any means, I will not sell the blog name for lower than $500 without the intellectual property of the blog contents or $1,000 including the intellectual property of the blog contents. What I have written thus far is laden with unique keywords and hence carries value in its own right.

I am also selling the following domain names for the following STARTING prices:
absurdjobvacancies.com $500
absurdjobvacancies.net   $400
absurdjobvacancies.biz   $300
absurdjobvacancies.us    $300
absurdjobvacancies.info  $250

Interested parties may bid in the comments section, making sure to enter their own legitimate email address. I will then send a PayPal invoice to the highest bidders meeting or exceeding the aforementioned minimum price(s) for the domain name(s) they wish to buy. Domain registration will be transferred upon clearance and validation of PayPal funds (to ensure there will be no charge backs).

"Kindercare Learning Center" Aide / Chauffeur

http://tbe.taleo.net/NA5/ats/careers/requisition.jsp?org=KNOWLEDGEUNIVERSE&cws=5&rid=799

"Job Title: Assistant Center Director

Location: WI - Wisconsin

Organization: Kindercare

Requisition ID: 799

# of Openings: 1

SUMMARY

The Assistant Center Director (ACD) assists the Center Director in operating the center in accordance with KLC policies, procedures and state licensing standards to provide an educational, nurturing, and safe environment for children, parents, and staff. Is responsible for all Center operations and assumes all Center Director responsibilities and duties in the absence of the Center Director. Participates in interview and effectively recommends applicants to be hired. Determines and implements discipline, effectively recommending termination with center management. Has independent authority to give verbal or written discipline to staff. Assists in the assignment and responsible direction of staff, provides input to Annual Performance Appraisals with the understanding such appraisals directly impact wage rates, and responds to and adjusts staff concerns. Meets expectations for delivering exceptional customer service through acquisition and retention, quality program, financial management, operational compliance, and demonstrates expected behaviors.

ESSENTIAL FUNCTIONS

·Fulfills all record-keeping responsibilities

·Understands developmentally appropriate practice in Early Childhood Education and ensures its use in the classroom

·Performs each of the essential functions for each position in the center, including, but not limited to, Teacher (all classifications of Teacher and Assistant Teacher), Cook, and Van/Bus Driver. In some states, ability to drive a van/bus is required

·Understands responsibilities as a mandated reporter

·Implements Company policies and procedures

·Complies with, and may implement, KLC and all governmental regulations regarding the care of children

·Complies with all governmental laws and KLC regulations regarding records management, e.g., HIPAA (Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act), etc.

·Keeps the Director informed of any necessary information regarding the care and safety of children

·Assists and accepts responsibility in other daily center duties that might be temporary in the event other personnel are not available

·Attends and participates in staff meetings, center events, and parent/customer meetings as requested

Requirements: Skills, Education / Knowledge, Experience

EDUCATION / KNOWLEDGE

·High school diploma or equivalent required

·Bachelor Degree in Early Childhood Education or Business highly desirable

·State specific requirements for position required

·State qualified for teaching positions required

·Valid driver's license, clean driving record, ability to drive center vehicles required

·Proficient in use of desktop computer required

·Ability to quickly learn software required

·Excellent administrative and organizational skills required

·Understanding of developmentally appropriate practice in early childhood education and the ability to ensure its use in the classroom.

EXPERIENCE

·2+ years of early childhood education experience required

·1+ years of business management experience desirable, including experience with budgeting and accounting

OTHER REQUIREMENTS

·Knowledge required (or willingness to learn upon acceptance of position) HIPAA (Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act) record keeping requirements

·Ability to respond appropriately in an emergency situation required

·Ability to be flexible in assignment and work hours required

·CPR and First Aid Certification or willingness to obtain desirable

COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Excellent verbal, listening, and written communication skills required

PHYSICAL DEMANDS / WORK ENVIRONMENT

Work is primarily performed in the center environment. Centers are dynamic with a high level of activity. Work may also be performed at community sites for field trips. Incumbent must be able to lift 40 pounds, stand up to 95% of the day, assume postures in low level positions that best allow physical and visual contact with children, bend to perform various tasks numerous times throughout the day, stoop, sit on the floor, have the agility to move from a seated position to a standing position promptly to respond to emergency situations, perform all activities with children, i.e. jump, dance, walk, run, etc. for extended periods of time. Must possess acceptable hearing and visual capabilities in order to monitor the environment and children's well being. Incumbent will need to be highly flexible and adaptable, able to engage in multiple tasks, able to respond quickly and appropriately to changing needs of children, staff, parents, and KLC. Work hours will vary to meet the needs of the children. Travel by car, plane, and other modes of transportation may be required for KLC mandatory and regulatory meetings. Travel may require occasional overnight stays and some weekends."

The successful applicant must be a nanny, chauffeur, and human resources generalist rolled into one! But wait, there’s another vexing requirement: You must dance with the children! Wallflowers need not apply! The vacancy does not specify what types of dances shall be modeled for the children, so I imagine that less coordinated applicants could get by with chair dancing and the basic square dance rather than need to be a ballet virtuoso or break dancer. (Spinning on one’s head would also present a risk of rug burn and spinal compression in the young ones, even when wearing a helmet.) I imagine that some exemption to the physical demonstration requirement could be obtained under the Americans with Disabilities Act because those applicants having the greatest knowledge of developmental instruction methods, records management, and staff coordination might not have full use of limbs.

Besides wearing the aforementioned hats, the successful applicant will also be a tough critic of his/her staff to “downwardly adjust” performance evaluations to keep pay increases under budget. I imagine this is quite frustrating to the subordinates, especially when the rationalization is clearly a stretch such as, “Hal has great initiative and excellent customer satisfaction results, but he has below-average ability.” (This was the performance review actually given to a coworker, and although he was in a customer service position, the example is demonstrative.) So besides the aforementioned responsibilities, the Assistant Director of Kindercare Learning Center must also be good enough at feeding nonsense to subordinates during performance reviews, lest turnover increase beyond what the training budget can accommodate.