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Dear Admissions Board:

In this letter, you will learn why I’m a fantastic fit for [UNIVERSITY NAME]. Although this is a written document and not a speech, I’ll be sure to repeat this main idea because I read such a simplistic structure is what rocks your socks and niggles your knickers.

You may have noticed my prior degrees from Palooka University. Can you imagine the discouragement of applying to jobs in your field of study, never getting an interview, and then acquiescing to applying at unskilled labor jobs, only to find the HR managers do not acquiesce to an interview? Where is the reciprocity of rewards for “bettering oneself” at college? Thus, if employers see me as a professional student, then damn it, perpetual campus life I shall live!

Yes, I am a college graduate returning to college -- not to gain additional “knowledge and experience” which employers value about as much as a dirty rag, but to live as a professional student! After all, I’ve only used up half of my federally insured $120,000 student loan cap; why not leech -- I mean "live" -- off subsidized debt for as long as possible? I do recall being taught explicitly in my philosophy class that morality and ethics are relative -- and there’s no law (yet) against being a lifelong student debt borrower.

You may ask, “What is the utility of repeating the university experience?” Imagine the possibilities: making another run for student president; telling students why their studies are futile; even a chance at non-competitive employment by way of students-only jobs! At last, the dignity of employment!

So why am I checking out [UNIVERSITY NAME] rather than Palooka University again? I’m seeking to enroll in your lackadaisical university because it’s close enough to where my parents live, and hence I may conserve rent money while minimizing distractions from studies. I suppose you won’t like that, however, because this means I’ll drive to and from campus -- thereby producing greenhouse emissions! Oh well, I can buy a carbon credit when I land that first professional job!

In this letter, you have learned why I’m a fantastic fit for [UNIVERSITY NAME]. Although your campus is near, I can always take long-distance courses if not admitted -- online universities are gaining currency and might just someday put you out of business -- or out of state tax dollars.