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Examine the expectations and inferences underlying selected job positions. Consider timely topics in career preparation and the struggle for fulfilling employment. Analyze what could be improved in either situation. If this blog reminds you too much of work, then peruse my namesake blog for lighter fare.

Fuck UWM and all universities! UW-Milwaukee and their brethren are mediocre. Click banner ads on ClixSense instead; it's a better use of time than a college education in the UW System.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

ATS Blocks Cover Letter for "Web Content Writer"

I assembled a targeted resume and wrote a compelling cover letter in response to a vacancy for "web content writer" advertised on LinkedIn Jobs. I sailed through the applicant tracking system (ATS) until the final question, "Do you live within commute distance of Cambridge, MA? (Long-distance candidates / relocations will not be considered.)"

Neither the location nor that residency requirement was mentioned in the vacancy description, and hence I would not have bothered if such foreknowledge were had. The question therefore produced two options:

  1. Lie to pass the ATS, and then have to explain to the phone screener why I live in the Midwest and not in Massachusetts; or
  2. Admit living outside commute distance and risk immediate discard by the ATS.

I chose the latter and was notified of the rejection the next day. However, I am not one to let a good cover letter go to waste; here it is for the world to inspect!

January 2, 2013

Dear [NAME from LinkedIn]:

[BRAND] and I have a LOT in common! We are:

  1. Best in their class;
  2. Desirably hip; and
  3. Criminally overlooked!

As web content writer, I shall educate the ignorant plebeians as to why [BRAND] products are the best anyone can buy, irrespective of their station in life. My fit for the position rests upon my proven knack for catchy copy and unique key phrases. I also incorporate accessibility-oriented design, technical coding acumen, and comprehensive gathering of client needs prior to commencing a new project.

I developed strong foundations in SEO and content management while managing the University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee Bookstore website, responsible for processing $2.4 million annual revenue. I increased revenue by more than $24K through a combination of email marketing and greater use of statistically rare terms in titles, headings, image captions, and inbound link tags. This approach combined standardized tags for ease of search while using unique terms for more detailed queries.

I have since founded my own ecommerce business,, and raised over 80,000 home page views from ground zero while sweeping the first SERP for namesake searches. This feat is quite impressive for a business which had no name recognition (due to not existing) and never sends unsolicited emails.

I also maintain a Zazzle store featuring my own tee shirt designs. Each product page is optimized with SEO-boosting tags to dominate the first SERP for relevant search results. But what does this mean for you? It means I have a turnkey slogan for you! Are your ready?!?

“Don’t be dull -- get [BRAND]!”

You’re welcome, you’re welcome!


Joseph Ohler, Jr.

Enclosure: Résumé

Joseph Ohler's Affiliate Click-for-Cash Program

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