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Examine the expectations and inferences underlying selected job positions. Consider timely topics in career preparation and the struggle for fulfilling employment. Analyze what could be improved in either situation. If this blog reminds you too much of work, then peruse my namesake blog for lighter fare.

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Tuesday, February 18, 2014

What HR Managers Really Want to Say

When you get a first-round interview but not a second, you know that apparent qualifications brought you to the dance. But when your partner -- the hiring manager (or group of HR personnel) -- says, "I'll call you," it stops the positive momentum and mounting synergy. They hear you call; they leave you cold.

The worst part is that phone screeners and hiring managers will refuse to give constructive feedback, let alone anything negative but actionable. The following is a list of things that might be on the tip of an authority's tongue but won't roll off until the legalistic culture is rolled back. I have summarized these ideas in a series of "unlike you" statements:

"Unlike you, he has a promising career ahead."

"Unlike you, she has a future in our industry."

"Unlike you, unacculturated immigrants are welcome in this organization."

"Unlike you, our people are first-class citizens."

"Unlike you, trash bags actually have a use in our business."

Bonus insult that almost fits the "unlike you" syntax:

"Unlike your job prospects, what's on HBO tonight is something I care about."

Now some people are just wicked for evil's sake, but I believe most apathetic human resources managers distance themselves emotionally from unsuccessful candidates and try to forget about also-ran interviewees because it would cut them too deeply to know the full consequences for the non-hired applicants. Some of my rants on this AJV blog really infuriate hiring managers for this very reason: It drags them, kicking and screaming, to the forefront of the existential train wreck to which they contributed.

And what if they eventually enjoy it? Upon realizing their satisfaction in causing human suffering, the self-aware hiring manager may realize he or she is truly evil. This precisely reflects Romans 3:10, " As it is written, there is none righteous -- no, not one."

The above "unlike you" insults are commonly thought by those in a position of judgment -- that's for certain! This would explain why a non-selected interviewee typically is not granted even an initial interview when applying for subsequent positions at the rejecting company. The "unlike you effect" of pass/fail as a worthy person has been set in stone for all eternity, at least according to organizational records.

But you know the old axiom, "Being worthless isn't so bad!" And really, you *do* have worth when you won't "shut up" despite haters wanting you to -- you have negative worth, but impact nevertheless. This also has a biblical allusion per Revelation 3:16, "So then because you are lukewarm -- and neither cold nor hot -- I will spew you out of my mouth." Take heart in the notion that you're a cool m***f*****r (mothflipper) exactly because so many people find you unpalatable! Live it as a philosophy, a credo for the misbegotten.

Do You Feel Unloved?

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