Cover Letter for University of Louisville Web Developer

I found the position below on January 8, 2013. I’ve copied the vacancy description verbatim, and all errors therein are those of the organization posting the vacancy at URL:
https://saprod.louisville.edu/psc/saprod/EMPLOYEE/HRMS/c/HRS_HRAM.HRS_CE.GBL?Page=HRS_CE_JOB_DTL&Action=A&JobOpeningId=28777&SiteID=100&PostingSeq=1

---

Posted: 11/15/2012 Job ID: 28777
Title: Web Developer /Technology Specialist Intermediate

Bachelor's degree in Computer Science, Visual Arts/New Media, IT/Graphics Design, Instructional/Educational Technology, or related field and two years professional experience, preferably in higher education, association or customer-focused environment. Must have demonstrable experience creating and maintaining multiple web pages and sites, combining a graphics perspective with navigation and programming skills.

Knowledge of web creation software, CSS, HTML, Java Script, PHP, MySQL, and supplemental multimedia software is required. Working knowledge of open source CMS software such as Plone as well as custom developed web applications is highly desirable. Must have working knowledge of online marketing tactics and applications including email engines, Google analytics, blogs and creating landing pages.

The University of Louisville's Delphi Center for Teaching and Learning seeks a visionary web developer who is energetic, team-oriented professional capable of handling multiple projects in a high energy department. The web developer position is responsible for the design, maintenance and continual improvement of the Delphi Center's website and its effectiveness in attracting and motivating internal and external visitors.

The position interfaces with all departments and aspects of the Delphi Center in maintaining the web presence of the unit. The web developer works within the Delphi Center's Marketing Department to ensure successful promotion of both internal education programs and external revenue generating programs through strategic use of the website.

The position also ensures compliance with accessibility, branding and copyright guidelines of the university. The position requires a self-starter who can work independently, establish the highest standards of performance, set and meet deadlines and collaborate with a diverse staff. Please attach cover letter, resume and at least 3 professional references with application. Salary is commensurate with experience.

---

I applied through the ATS provided in the link but found that poor man’s Kenexa does not permit the upload of cover letters or references -- quite problematic when the vacancy requires those! Therefore, I sent the following email to HR with my attachments and concerns:

We interrupt this post for a word from our sponsor:

Thank you for visiting our sponsor!

Hello, UL!

Although I applied for the position Web Developer / Technology Specialist Intermediate (Job Id: 28777) via the Applicant Tracking System, the same would not permit upload of a cover letter or references.

Therefore, I have attached the aforementioned cover letter and references with my resume for the position. I hope to get the ball running on fixing the ATS so others won't distract you from what is assuredly a busy day.

Cheers,

Joseph Ohler, Jr.

Attachments: Joseph_Ohler_Jr_Web_Developer_Resume.doc, Joseph_Ohler_Jr_UL_Web_Developer_Cover_Letter.doc, Joseph_Ohler_Jr_Professional_References.doc

I will post an update when HR responds. Neither a person nor an ATS ever gave me notice of any decision beyond confirmation my application was received. So while they never said "yes," they also never said "no" -- much like United Council when I applied for Executive Director last summer, coming strongly off my independent budget review.

Although sending a direct email greatly increases the chances the cover letter will be read, most organizations do not consider out-of-state applicants for positions lower than executive or “C-level” management. I wrote the cover letter anyway to stretch my writing muscles as I am wont to do. Irrespective, I hereby present my cover letter to the world for personal gratification.

January 10, 2013

Dear University of Louisville:

I notice your Shelby Campus web developer position has been vacant for almost three months, or else the vacancy would have been “routinely removed from the jobs portal around 7:00 p.m. [any of the preceding] Monday[s].” By what fantastical hubris do I apply to the nigh-unfillable vacancy without coming across as an Icarus pining to pilot the Chariot of Phaethon?

Three of my five years of web development have been within the higher education sector. I imbue every project with a mythical mélange of accessibility-oriented design, technical coding acumen, methodical debugging techniques, and comprehensive gathering of client needs prior to commencement.

Although I hear you proclaim, "University bookstore experience is retail, not higher education," I assure you that ten score times as many HR screeners have exclaimed, "University bookstore experience is higher education, not retail!" Existentially, either statement is valid depending on your biases and on which statement serves your need of filtering particular candidates.

I take the dialectical approach in that materially, I have fulfilled the myriad duties of web developer in a higher education milieu by coding, while physically located on a university campus in a students-only role for the same, all manners of HTML, CSS, PHP, JavaScript, and SQL in conjunction with the use of a content management system widely used by universities (Missouri Book Systems’ Insite) -- for the express purpose of earning revenue to sustain university operations while directly serving faculty, staff, and students (teleologically speaking).

I developed Atlantean foundations in design and coding while managing the University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee Bookstore website, responsible for processing $2.4 million annual revenue. I have since mastered the Herculean feat of integrating CSS, HTML, JavaScript, SQL, PHP, and embedded multimedia to create multifarious websites for clients who became gladdened as by the Elysian Fields! I am proudest of the website BuyMyStats.com because it is the most ambitious and unique project I’ve undertaken on the odyssey to excellence.

Tons of mortals have reached for your Golden Apple but failed to answer the Riddle of the Employability Sphinx -- of how s/he will obviate your needs. If your three-month-old web developer opportunity remains posted as a fiction, then may the Don Quixotes among job seekers gallop unfettered to your illusory vacancy and smash gratifyingly into the windmill of reality! As our meta dialogue confirms, I am privy to your prank. Read my reviews of your position and other officious opportunities at:
http://absurdjobvacancies.blogspot.com/

Schedule a time to chat, or do not -- your job vacancy has become a plaything for the gods!

Cheers,

Joseph Ohler, Jr.
Enclosures: Résumé, Professional References

"Best Western Inn" Desk Clerk in City of Beaver Dam, WI

http://madison.craigslist.org/csr/2873750724.html

"Job Title: Front Desk Clerk

Accepting applications for part time front desk clerk having smart personality with excellent customer care skills. Candidate must be able to work flexible shifts including weekends and most holidays.

Apply in person at:

Best Western Campus Inn

815 Park Avenue

Beaver Dam,WI

Compensation: part-time"

Considering how many job seekers inquire at hotel desks in a given week, it speaks volumes about management’s distaste for existing applicants. I suppose the Beaver Dam manager tired of the same chronically unemployed applicants month after month and hence decided to advertise as far away as Madison (about 40 miles away), a city which has plenty more hotels to hire front-desk workers before they contemplate an hour commute to Beaver Dam.

I understand the requirement of a top-shelf attitude towards helping the customer because when did admitting to having only “great customer service skills” ever suffice, outside of pizza places having a minimum wait time of 20 minutes? However, the job poster asks for not only the typical “excellent customer care skills” but also for a “smart personality.” There are clearer phrases to communicate the intent of the job poster such as “intuitive sense of decorum” or “readily notices customers before they try to get your attention.”

As worded, the job vacancy might be interpreted as being intended for “smarty pants” or otherwise sarcastic individuals. I believe this is what most people think of when hearing or reading the phrase “smart personality.” A requirement of above-average intelligence would be a waste of human capital because there isn’t much for a desk worker to learn once he or she has memorized hotel policies, which should nonetheless be written in an easily accessible manual and tend to change anyway. I hence believe that “common sense” is the meaning intended by use of the phrase “smart personality.”

Irrespective of descriptive semantics, the job poster and many other human resources staff believe they can accurately assess applicant adequacy (alliteration aside) via a snap judgment or once-over of an in-person applicant. (It’s a good thing those HR folks aren’t court judges!) The requirement to apply in person is supposed to be a behavioral interview in itself. The hiring manager would do well to act like an angry customer when someone requests a job application because how someone responds to people who act like jerks is a fairly accurate measure of how the applicant will act behind your back when hired.

To truly test for whether the applicant embodies savoir faire, esprit de corps, and a bunch of other personality concepts clichéd into French terms to sound more sophisticated than they are, it would be wise for the manager to act out some scenarios in real time to see the responses and composure of the applicant. While typically only luxury hotel managers actually use the aforementioned French terms, I apply them to this job vacancy because many hiring managers of economy chains such as Best Western Inn hold the same cavalier attitude, as evinced by including the obnoxious term “smart personality” in the job description for a doormat position such as desk clerk.

I know that hotel maids are technically below desk clerk in terms of authority, but those workers have the privilege of requesting the room occupant to leave for a room cleaning or to skip a room until the occupants leave. Hence, the desk clerk is least sheltered from customer demands and hence should not have a “smart” or skeptical attitude but instead believe the customer and kowtow to whatever extent necessary.