"eBay" Agent for Spastic, Wanna-Be Seller

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Job Title: Sell my stuff on Ebay/Craigslist (Middleton)

Date: 2012-03-05, 1:32PM CST

I need someone to post my stuff on eBay or craigslist or wherever. I have lots of stuff to sell! I don't want to deal with determining the price, taking the pictures, responding to the emails or shipping the items. It would also be great if you could organize a garage sale with the items that are left but that's not necessary I might just donate what's left. I have nice things to sell. Everything from home furnishings to antiques, very high end women's clothes & purses, electronics, furniture, etc.. too much to even list!

I'll pay per piece sold, we can figure out a fair percentage. Do you have any experience selling things online? If you're organized, efficient and easy to get along with then send me an email telling me why this would be a good job for you. thank you! Compensation: per piece"

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This job vacancy makes it appear as if someone wants to hold an online estate sale without actually calling it one. The successful applicant will be an accurate appraiser who doesn’t bite others’ heads off, or whatever “easy to get along with” means. Any job poster stating such a requirement should describe his or her personality in specific terms to enable applicants to better assess potential fit for the job.

As it stands, it seems as if the job poster will demand accountability despite a marked lack of communication regarding any part of the selling process. If the bulk of the job poster’s involvement will be negotiating a “fair percentage” with the job applicant, without any substantial discretion thereafter, then why would the appraiser / auctioneer need to be amicable towards the job poster? After all, a contract is a contract, irrespective of personality differences after the fact.

Wanted: "Handyman" w/ Benefits

http://madison.craigslist.org/etc/2868243834.html

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"Job Title: cleaning, handyman type stuff (downtown)

Date: 2012-03-06, 6:00PM CST

I need a bit of cleaning, possibly painting odd jobs done at my condo. I'm gay male, looking for gay friendly guy or other gay male. Hoping for regular help, but if you want to just try it out once, that's good too. Compensation: negotiable"

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The job poster must be desperate for assistance because his Craigslist post indicates a lack of qualified workers or volunteers within his circle of friends to perform simple cleaning and painting jobs. Then again, this ad might be a front for sexual solicitation. Considering that the job poster wants only homosexual men to apply to his “cleaning, handyman-type” job and is okay “if you want to just try it out once” for “negotiable” compensation, I infer that this “job” vacancy is actually an impersonal “personals” ad more appropriate for the “casual encounters” section of Craigslist. The job poster wants male applicants who swing his way so that they’ll accept a roll in the sheets in lieu of cash for payment.

I have to wonder whether “painting odd jobs” includes body painting and whether “cleaning” entails a sponge bath. To his credit, the job poster seems to be open to applicant personality: If the applicant isn’t a “friendly guy,” then he’ll accept some “other (unfriendly) gay male.”

Liquid Application Quality Assurance Technician

http://madison.craigslist.org/mnu/2887586246.html

"Job Title: Process Technicians (West Madison)

Date: 2012-03-06, 11:03AM CST

Our client, a West Madison manufactuing (sic) company, is seeking a Formulations Technician. The Formulations Technician is responsible for assembling, operating, and cleaning processing equipment, preparing coating solutions and other formulas; and performing various analytical tesitng (sic) including but not limited to particle size testing, moisture analysis, and equipment cleanliness verification. Typical processing duties include precise measurement of components, close monitoring of processing conditions, accurate calculations, troubleshooting problems in the process, and working closely with clients. In some cases, processing will take place in a cGMP environment. This will require, in addition to the above, following detailed instructions and Standard Operating Procedures (SOPs).

Following initial training, the Formulations Technician is expected to be capable of independent assembly and cleaning of the research coating equipment efficiently and accurately. Additionally, the Formulations Technician should be knowledgeable in the variables to be taken into account for process conditions and their effect on the product. The Formulations Technician should be proficient in the operation of this equipment and able to troubleshoot when necessary.

Essential Job Functions:

-Disassembles, cleans, and reassembles coating units and areas

-Operates equipment in assigned suite (e.g. Coating or Capsule Filling)

-Validates label and lot number information

-Verifies tasks performed by others

-Identifies deviations to process under their control and labels containers with its contents, lot number, weights, etc...

-Transfers solvents from large to small containers

-Stages materials and/or equipment for processing

-Mixes coating solutions and other formulas

-Performs simple math calculations

-Maintains accurate records

-Creates reserarch (sic) reports and batch records

-Works with controlled substances

-Follows all cGMP practices, policies, and procedures

-Follows all safety practices, policies, and procedures

-Other duties as assigned

Job Qualifications

-High school diploma or equivalent required

-Strong background in chemistry/biology preferred

-Knowledge of current Good Manufacturing Practices (cGMPs) preferred

-An understanding of the purpose and content within the Material Safety Data Sheet (MSDSs) preferred

-Proficiency in Microsoft Office required

-Ability to follow oral and written instructions

-Ability to read, write (legibly), and speak the English language at a level necessary for efficient job performance

-Ability to establish and maintain effective working relationships with team members, co-workers, and/or clients.

-Ability to lift up to 55lbs. and move objects weighing up to 150lbs.

If interested in position, please reply with resume and visit our website at www.expresspros.com and complete our online application. After completing online application, be sure to submit to our Fitchburg, WI office. Compensation: $12-14"

The successful applicant will be more effective at “analytical testing” than the job poster is at typo testing! The process technician requires the brain of a mechanical engineer and the brawn of a porter but pays the wage of a package handler. Someone who has a “strong background in biology/chemistry” would be better off working for a research lab and eventually becoming a principal researcher. Besides the better pay, there tends to be better job security: When is the last time you heard of scientists being laid off? By contrast, factory closures have been a long-standing pattern within the U.S., and the process technician finds even more ways to automate manufacturing and hence to produce more factory layoffs – all for $12 to $14 an hour. On another note, how infuriated would you feel as an applicant to be completely familiar with the position but be disqualified via the “legible handwriting” test?

Shut-In Caregiver

http://madison.craigslist.org/npo/2844974864.html

"Job Title: Paid Roommate (Madison, WI)

Options in Community Living is a non-profit agency in Madison, WI supporting about 100 adults with developmental disabilities. Support occurs in their home, apartment, and/or in the community, and can include personal care, lifting, bathing, emotional support, and community events. An insured car may be required in some households for certain shifts. Duties, shifts, locations all vary from person to person, so contact Kate to find out how you can make a difference in someone's life!

Are you energetic, positive, a good team-player, creative, and looking for a live-in position? 2 downtown men need someone to live in, work and stay overnight. Hours: Sunday 5-11pm and overnight, Monday-Thursday 7-9am and overnight, Friday 7-9am, Wednesday 3-11pm. Weekend hours also available. Encourage their involvement with meals, cleaning, and grocery shopping; prompt personal care duties and routine, help with medication, and help them get involved in the community while maintaining safety for one of the men who can't be alone. An insured car is required. EOE

8 hours are unpaid sleep time each overnight.

Compensation: $10.75/hr, benefits, free rent"

Seeing how this “paid roommate” position is really a live-in caregiver, I’m surprised that no particular license is required as part of the applicant’s qualifications, especially when one of the care recipients “can’t be alone.” Why does the job poster require the successful applicant to be creative? Because assisting with daily life activities can get old pretty quickly, even for someone who is “energetic (and) positive.” Occasional changes in routine help make these job duties less tedious. However, there are only so many ways to make wiping someone’s behind and other “prompt personal care duties” any fun.

Hyper, Semi-Independent Clerical Worker w/ Psychometric Performance Bonuses

http://madison.craigslist.org/csr/2874400434.html

"Job Title: We are URGENTLY needing to fill 2 ft/pt positions in our Reedsburg location.

The position is part time but we would make it fulltime after 30 days.

The job is paid hourly with incentives on attendance, productivity and attitude.

We are looking for a high energy positive person. Able to take direction and work semi independently for short periods of time.

Hours for the position would be 5:00p.m.-8:30p.m. Mon-Fri & Sat 9a.m.-1p.m.

Experienced persons will be considered first as will resumes.

Job duties will include but aren't limited to: faxing, computer work, order inputting, inbound/outbound calls."

The “urgent” need to fill two untitled positions begs the question as to why those vacancies occurred unexpectedly. This urgency spills over into the syntax of certain sentences such as, “Experienced persons will be considered first, as will resumes.” Perhaps the job poster has been exchanging notes with whoever wrote the “warehouse assistant” job vacancy analyzed in Post 037. Irrespective of proper distinction of resumes as an attribute of qualified applicants rather than legal entities in themselves, this great sense of urgency gives pause to the analytical job seeker.

Did an employee and his or her friend both go rogue and quit without giving adequate notice? Did the company discover two of its employees stealing supplies? Whatever the reason, company desperation usually gives job seekers greater leverage in securing both a position and a higher wage. However, the clerical nature of the work and the lack of prior job experience as a requirement substantially negate that leverage due to the large quantity of applicants who self-certify as tolerating someone else watching their work except for when they are permitted to “work semi-independently for short periods of time.”

At least the job poster is candid about the company practice of explicitly scoring one’s “attitude” as a component of performance evaluations. This factor consciously and unconsciously influences managerial opinions of direct reports anyway, and at the extreme this results in favoritism such as permitting one or two employees to regularly violate certain work rules while everyone else is held to a gold standard. Hence, acknowledging this influence is beneficial to everyone by raising awareness about a sometimes overlooked issue.

While some might be concerned about pay increases being contingent upon attitude assessments, an excellent score on the attitude metric can be used to compensate for merely satisfactory productivity and attendance. This advantage is all the more critical when pay increases are given only to above-average performers but almost everyone is a highly productive. Showing that you are glad to help not only customers but also fellow employees can bump you into the “eligible for pay raise” category when coworkers are also on their “A+ Game” but do not express a love for their job or company.

Saccharine Person Wanted for "Sweet Hut at Kalahari Resort" Candymaker

http://madison.craigslist.org/csr/2837846641.html

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"Job Title: Sweet Hut Kalahari Resort (Wisconsin Dells/Lake Delton)

Date: 2012-02-06, 2:29PM CST

Sweet Hut Located in the Kalahari Resort, is now taking applications for Part Time/Full Time Associates. Fun, fast paced, family orientated (sic) environment. Variety of shifts available. Mostly Nights and Weekends. Looking for reliable, motivated, and positive person to serve guests and aid in candy production. Expierence (sic) in customer service is prefered, (sic) but not necessary. Please apply in person(.) Sweet Hut is located in the main lobby of the Kalahri (sic) Resort and Convention Center

Location: Wisconsin Dells/Lake Delton

Compensation: 8.50-10.00"

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The horrid quality of the ad copy speaks for itself due to inconsistent punctuation and inexcusable spelling errors. How does someone working in the Kalahari Resort misspell “Kalahari?” "Orientated" isn't a word; the proper spelling is "oriented."

The job poster is unconcerned about how well you can write a resume or cover letter because all you need to do is apply in person. Given the (lack of) care and professionalism in the job posting, I suppose showing up in a suit and tie would be overkill. You wouldn’t want to get taffy on your tie or skirt, now would you?

We interrupt this post for a word from our sponsor:

Thank you for visiting our sponsor!

Fly-By-Night Sales Outfit Sells Something or Another and Pays You Pre-Commission Which Must Be Repaid

http://madison.craigslist.org/csr/2840991565.html

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"Job Title: New Career (Madison)

Date: 2012-02-08, 10:48AM CST
Local branch for worldwide company is looking to expand it operations in the Madison market. We are seeking neat and friendly individuals to fill newly opened customer service, marketing, and sales positions - $600 weekly
For interview send your resume
First 30 will be considered"

AND at URL: http://madison.craigslist.org/csr/2842483037.html

"Job Title: Starting 2/13/12 (Madison)

Date: 2012-02-09, 7:57AM CST
Full time customer service positions available.
Please email resume and cover letter for consideration.
Compensation: $600 weekly"

AND at URL: http://madison.craigslist.org/csr/2840706562.html

"Job Title: New Openings (Madison)

Date: 2012-02-08, 7:44AM CST
Our company has recently expanded into the Madison area. We are looking for professional individuals to fill our customers service (sic) department. Our Company offers paid vacations, $1000 sign-on bonus, and a competative (sic) profit sharing program. Typical work week is around 32 hours full time, 16 hours part time. For consideration please email your resume.
Location: Madison
Compensation: $600/week"

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Despite the first vacancy description containing very little content to edit, the poster didn’t bother to punctuate the final two sentences! It sounds like the person posting vacancies for the anonymous “world-wide company” should get a new career; even the company he/she is soliciting for is too embarrassed to publicly name itself in affiliation with this poorly written job vacancy!

The second vacancy offers compensation identical to the first but uses a specific deadline to create a false sense of urgency rather than list an arbitrary cap on number of applicants. (Legitimate employers do not do this because they know it will be difficult to find qualified applicants without artificially limiting the applicant pool.)

The third vacancy offers the same compensation for a customer service position, but unlike the prior two vacancies, it lists the availability as part-time or full-time with a “$1,000 sign-on bonus” and “competitive profit-sharing program.” Beware sign-on bonuses because most of these are actually “salary advances” which need to be repaid via commission before you are paid any farther. Spend as little of that $1,000 as possible so that you can repay it if you don’t earn enough sales! The profit-sharing program is not stock options but rather the commission on the sales you produce as “customer service rep” (which actually is a sales representative, much like how telecommunications companies try to sell you a package upgrade when you call for technical support or billing questions).

More vacancies for the same job will undoubtedly appear on Craigslist with just enough difference in the wording (and enough brevity to minimize careless typographical errors) to seem at first glance as if they could be from different employers. However, the vagueness as to what you will sell or which firm you would be accountable to leaves these positions to be identified by their commonalities. It’s probably not Vector Marketing (a peer-to-peer direct sales company owned by Cutco and structured like Amway but limited to a dizzying array of knives) because VM at least puts a contact phone number in its vacancies.

"Well Known" but Anonymous Restaurant Seeks Masochistic Manager

http://madison.craigslist.org/fbh/2797298782.html

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"Job Title: RESTAURANT MANAGER! * HOT OPPORTUNITY!!* (Madison, WI)
Date: 2012-02-08, 5:17PM CST
Restaurant Assistant Manager

As one of the most well known restaurants in Wisconsin, we believe in having a good time. We strive to provide the best customer service for every patron that walks through our door. Our diverse menu features quality meals, ranging from steaks to seafood. But the success of our restaurants can't be attributed to our food alone; without a talented hourly and management staff we would not be where we are today.

We are an upscale casual full service concept seeking a front of house Manager. Candidates should have:
•3+ years of current casual, full-service experience
•A stable work history; no more than two jobs in the previous six years
•Experience with a high volume national chain is a plus!
•Ability to build sales and rapport in the community
•If you would like to be considered for this position immediately, please forward your resume."

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Just like me, you’ve probably noticed that jobs marketed as “big earnings potential” or “hot opportunity” say that because being fairly rewarded for your effort or hours logged is not guaranteed in those positions. This is particularly true for commissioned jobs, but this vacancy is clearly advertising a salaried ASSISTANT restaurant manager job. (The vacancy headline touts the position as top management but comes clean in the third line about being second banana.) So why the hyperbole?

It turns out that it is part sales job, part operations management: The assistant manager is expected to solicit customers "in the community." It would be unclear whether this entails the donning of a mascot costume and holding promotional signs roadside, except the "builds rapport" requirement implies more of a public relations officer role. Just don't expect anyone outside the restaurant proper to take this liaison experience seriously!

Food service is truly one of the top career pits because it's very difficult to be considered qualified for other fields once you've spent any part of your adult life in food service. (Food service managers and employees do have transferable skills -- such as triage capacity, calmness under pressure, and time management -- but most HR departments are either ignorant of this or wholesale deny it.)

The assistant manager must have encountered high turnover for the top manager to require “no more than two jobs in the previous six years.” I suppose recent graduates who completed a series of different internships and/or were laid off from the part-time Work Study jobs they had need not apply. They’re supposed to be capable of white-collar office jobs anyway, but with the high underemployment among today’s college graduates, the requirement is quite spiteful of those who sacrificed years of full-time work potential to earn a higher education.

It’s generally assumed that a restaurant manager wants to keep with the same branch to better know local market idiosyncrasies and demand cycles, a knowledge which often gives the competitive edge necessary to schedule lean staffing; to accurately forecast inventory usage; and to run appropriate promotions to earn regional recognition in sales and/or profit. So -- why move?

Common causes of food service employee turnover include uninformed scheduling (especially understaffing during peak periods) and purchasing insufficient quantities of product (generating many complaints and customer credits when what they want is regularly out of stock). Similarly, managers sometimes change branches because the local market is too hectic and unpredictable for them to coordinate resources because actual conditions run contrary to their planning and hence make the managers look incompetent.

Speaking of which, the lack of hyphenation in compound adjectives preceding nouns, e.g. "well-known restaurant" and "front-of-house manager," makes the vacancy writer look incompetent. Thankfully, he/she properly uses a semicolon, and hence we know that he/she is fully capable of passing English 202.

Anonymous Manufacturing Firm Seeks Durable, Safety-Minded Cyborg

http://madison.craigslist.org/mnu/2814354334.html

"Production/Manufacturing Opportunity (Portage, WI)

Date: 2012-01-23, 2:33PM CST

2 immediate openings are available on 1st shift for a self motivated (sic), skilled individual with prior manufacturing/production experience. This position can be fast passed (sic) at times. So you need to be able to think on your feet.

Candidates must be responsible and dependable. You must be able to read a tape measure and have basic math skills. Attention to details and organizational skills are a must. This person must be safety minded and be able to pass a pre-employment drug screen along with a pulmonary physical exam.

Starting wage: $12.73/hr

Other Benefits available after probationary period:

Health insurance, Dental insurance, Vision insurance

STD and LTD as well as ADD/Life Insurance

Flexible Spending account/Dependent Care accounts

401K program, Vacation benefits, Holiday pay

And much more. . .

Please stop in during office hours 7am till 3:30pm M-F.

2626 Murphy Rd. Portage WI and fill out an application.

You may bring your resume along. But a traditional application is necessary."

Despite the vague job title of some type of “production/manufacturing opportunity” or another, one may infer from the “pulmonary physical exam” job requirement that whatever the incumbent does is physically strenuous. You probably won’t be pressing punches or extruding foam at this job.

The business is probably a small firm, or else it would have someone proofread the listings prior to posting. This vacancy description is replete with choppy sentences, a lack of hyphenation in the adjective “self-motivated,” and a misspelling of the adjective “fast-paced.” Such errors would indeed make the position quickly passed over, or “fast passed” as the firm puts it, if not for the $12.73-per-hour wage and multitude of benefits. BTW, "STD" is not synonymous with "STI" in this context.

The potentially huge downsides to this are the potential for injury (hence the screening for propensity to have a heart attack) and the probationary period of unspecified length. Although this is the first time I’ve seen the position, the confidentiality of Craigslist makes it easier for a firm to serially advertise probationary periods for the same position while laying off the new employee a week or two before the end of his/her probationary employment period. Beware of probationary periods of unspecified length from anonymous employers!